Thursday, December 25, 2008

Can I just share my heart?

You know, if I owned a journal, this would probably not be going up here. But, I am fresh out of private places to write (aside from easily lost scraps of paper and post-it notes), so instead you all get to hear my heart.

I think it was last year at Christmas time as Ray and I perused the Reece's Rainbow Angel Tree gallery for a child to sponsor that we decided we would one day adopt a child with Down Syndrome from overseas. There is just no question. We know it is something we want to do.

Our feeling at the time was that we should wait until certain other things come to pass in our lives: finish having babies, buy a house, build a career, make more money.

When I think about it, the list is the same as it was before we got pregnant with Charlie. We had a bunch of criteria we felt we needed to meet before starting a family. Well, thank goodness for surprises or who knows how long we would have waited. I mean, who can say when all this will come to pass. Who can say if it will come. Really, how much money are a brilliant musician and his day-dreamy wife ever going to make? Somehow, I think not very much. We're fine with that most of the time. But I digress.

Thing is, I feel pregnant. I feel pregnant with the idea that our family could expand by one. One messy haired, stout little boy with Down Syndrome and clever smile.

I'm nesting. Every move I make just lately is with the idea in mind that we will take the leap to adopt. I keep thinking about making space in our new house. How will we arrange. What kind of sleeping situation could we rig up in the boys room to make space for one more little fellow. Seriously, I'm like a little girl playing house.

Where is this coming from? I mean, where is the voice of reason? If you knew our current situation, you would probably agree with me: we are in no place to take such a huge financial leap of a cliff. Not to mention, we've got our hands full with two small boys. Are we ready to go from being evenly matched to out-numbered?

But I can't help but look at all the beautiful faces on the Reece's Rainbow web site and think: compared to an orphan, we are rich. Rich materially, emotionally, we have stability, we have love in Christ. We have everything we could ever need to affect a child's life for eternity.

I keep day dreaming of a herd of little boys paling around in the front yard. Three little boys having peanut butter and jelly at the kitchen table. Three boys pushing little wooden trains down the tracks in the living room. I keep day dreaming of bunk beds in the children's room, and three dirty little pairs of shoes by the front door.

In many ways (and I mean, everyday something new) I feel God confirming to me that it is his will for us to adopt. Heck, any Christian knows that God calls us to minister to the widow and the orphan. Beyond that, I feel in a very personal way that he is nudging me toward family expansion. (And, I don't mean pregnancy. I need a serious break from that!)

But in all honesty, I'm struggling.

I feel like Jacob wrestling with God. Can't he see my frustrations, my questions, my reasoning. The time can't possibly be right. Can it? I want it to be. Will be provide?

In some ways I feel like "Why would God place such an overwhelming desire in our hearts, but not provide the means? We are willing servants, God, but you've not provided a way to act."

In some ways I feel like He is releasing us to go forward, but I am too scared to take the first step without some sort of obvious deposit. I want God to prove His intentions. Where is my faith?!

I am inspired by the many people whom I've met through on-line who are taking the step to pursue adoption. Most of these folks sound like ordinary people like us. Not rich in possessions, but rich in faith, rich in Christ. It hurts my heart to feel like I am being left behind. I want to be there now.

In the mean time, I continue to pray. God is working in his own way in Raymond, too. Raymond is the reasonable one of the two of us. I'm the dreamer and the one who makes things infinitely more complicated than they need to be. But how can I remain collected when all these beautiful little boys and girls have no family, and my arms ache to hold them.

Maybe I can try a cardboard sign campaign to raise the money. It will read:

Well, Merry Christmas, All.
God bless you tonight.


Christina said...

Awww Kim...I hear you heart and your mind speaking there. It's so hard at time to just follow what we feel God is calling us to do. I keep remembering in my head that everything isn't always going to be easy, we aren't going to have the answers for everything, but if we simply just step out in faith, God wil provide. I pray that, whatever it is God is calling you to, that you can accept it and pursue it knowing full well that, it may not be easy, at times you may want to quit, but also know that God is there, God will make a way and your family will be blessed immensly. Merry Christmas to you too!

Bethany said...

Aww, I had no idea! This is so sweet and I agree with Christina. You clearly have such a strong desire to do this, so I believe the means will fall into place. Start fundraising now and wait to commit to a child until few months down the road. There are lots of things to take into consideration ... email me at :)

Meredith said...

Your heart is so clear... and I love it :) If I can help with anything or you just need someone to ask the questions to or bounce things off of please don't hesitate to e-mail me! I'm still "just me" but I've now done my own adoption and am helping with 15 others... mostly kids w/ Ds. e-mail me anytime :)

Mommy to those Special Ks said...

I agree with Christina too! I will be praying that God's will becomes clear to you!

McKenna said...

That post made me cry because before we committed to adopting Reese, that is exactly where I was at. I still am at times! LOL! I am praying for you guys to hear God and to be able to obey whatever He is calling you to. I can't tell you how my relationship with Christ has grown over the last 3 1/2 months since we have been on this adoption path! Happy New Year! LMK if I can support you or encourage you in any way!

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