Tuesday, July 13, 2010

An Update to the Previous Post

Just an update from this sad and sulky post.

I "put on my big girl panties"--as one friend puts it--and loaded the car and the kids and headed for the river. Unfortunately, our time line turned bad with traffic (there is hardly ever traffic here, but wouldn't you know there was today), plus needing to be back in time to clean the house for Bible Study (which is now canceled because my eyes are all swelled up with allergies and I can't stop leaking snot all over the place). Anyway, I ended up turning around and coming back home--which broke Calvin's heart (and then mine, too). (Dustin, if you see this, Calvin was talking about you and hoping that you would be at the river. I think he likes you well enough!) I made a valiant effort, though, and it is a step. A big girl step.

You know, I can't imagine Charlie any other way. He is who he is, and it sure would be weird if he were not. (So there!) And really, life is not a crazy as it felt like it was earlier today. (Ah, pregnancy!)

I think at this point it is an energy thing. I am worn out. Charlie takes lots of energy--mental, emotional, physical--to parent. It is summer. He is home most days, and I am just really tired. Tired of being at a loss of how to manage him. He is both sweet as sweet as can be, and also stubborn and on a different wave length and hard to understand. Today was a hard day for him. Certain noises were sending him over the edge. He was feeling extra possessive of his "collection" (every day he gathers up a bunch of toys and places them carefully on the futon on some other place in the living room. We call it his "collection" because he becomes very possessive of the toys for the day and will play with them almost exclusively), yet Calvin really wanted to play with the monster truck Charlie was hoarding. It was disaster at times. He chewed his poor hands all day, and a few match box cars. Almost chewed up my stitch counter, but I caught him in time. It was just rough. He didn't even want to hug me goodnight, which is rare. Maybe he is not feeling well. I hope tomorrow is better.

And I hope tomorrow is better for mama, too. I was over emotional. I was resentful of him, and he certainly does not deserve that. God calls us to a level of compassion that the world does not know, or does not willingly bend too. I am blessed to everyday have the chance to so easily give tender compassion to a person who needs me so deeply. I think the part that I resent is not Charlie, it is not Down Syndrome. What I resent is the part where Down Syndrome knocks me off kilter and makes me feel like I don't have it all together, you know, as a mom. It is humbling. So, sometimes it hurts. But, really, this is in the realm of deep, deep blessing.

Well, I hear my boy fussing about something in his room, so I will sign off and go snuggle with him for a while. I think after today we both need that.

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