Monday, October 24, 2011

A post about this guy...

This guy here is 11 months old.

Ya I know.  I'm still scratching my head, wondering how this happened so fast.

In a month we will have his first birthday, complete with the customary cake-of-his-own.  We will let him stuff himself silly with sugary frosting and all that sweetness.  Though, really, he's not much of a sweets kinda guy.  His favorite foods are the green ones.  Kale and spinach...  I know, right?

Last year at this time we were waiting on pins and needles for him to arrive.  He was due November 5th, but it just seemed like he was ready.  Like he was going to come any hour.  We were so happy to make it to 37 weeks thinking he may come sooner than that.

And then we waited.  And waited.   We waited nearly two weeks past his due date.

Finally, on November 16th, Miles arrived in a storm of a labor.  An event that was protected and scary, navigated and traumatic all wrapped in to one.

I hear of parents who receive a Down Syndrome diagnosis for their child after birth having a hard time in the days leading up to that child's first birthday.  All the memories and the trauma threatening to be relived in some kind of visceral wash of emotion.  We never had that because we did not receive Charlie's diagnosis until he was 2 months old.  But I admit, I am having a taste of this as we approach Miles' birthday.

It's weird.  We went to the pumpkin patch the other day (need to post those pictures!), and I was remembering last year...  We went to the car wash on the way, sure a baby would be born any day and we would not get to it for a while...  This year, on the hay ride out to the pumpkin field, I just could not help but feel so connected to that impatiently waiting version of me a year ago.  My stomach has been all in knots over so many re-lived events just lately: harvest time, the world series, getting the kids costumes ready, the anniversary of my Grandma's 100ths birthday, and her passing a few days before it...

Or, the other day I took Miles to a nursery to hang out with other babies for a bit, and he freaked out, and I ran to rescue him of course.  I feel so sure his intense separation anxiety is due to those first hours of his life when he was separated from his mama, crying, scared, cold, hungry, in pain.

Stuff like that.

The first time I ever held him was amazing.  A last ditch attempt to calm him and see if he would start breathing better before packing him up for an ambulance ride to an NICU.  He was placed in my arms, and I just tucked him inside my gown and nursed him.  I don't know if I was holding and comforting him, or he was me.  But we've truly been an inseparable, deeply bonded pair ever since.

And I always wonder...  Was it that crazy birth we had that made it like this for us.  My heart is so compassionate toward our little Miles.  And he is so intent on being in my arms.  Do I love him too much?  Silly to ask, I know.

Anyway.  This is a rambly and disjointed post about our Miles boy, because he is on my heart and my mind all month long in endearing, uncomfortable, lovely, and confusing ways.  It feels like a birth month more than a birthday.  There was so much anticipation, topped with the most biologically and emotionally intense experience of my life, and followed with the sweetest little fellow I ever did know.  We'll end it November 16, with a big party for the little boy who we are so happy to have in our lives.


Ilisa Ailts said...

So sweet and love this post! I need to read about Miles' birth...this is news to me :)

Cindy said...

Love this! Such sweet memories from a mama's heart.

We received Beth's diagnosis immediately. Well, Chuck did. They told me the next morning. (C-section, out like a light!) At her first birthday, I don't remember having any reminiscent thoughts about her birth. Interesting.

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