Wednesday, October 9, 2013

In case you were wondering.

I feel like there is something you should know about me. 

I'm not graceful.  I struggle a lot.  And when I do, there's a lot more thrashing than there is grace or integrity or courage.  Really.

I say this because this blog--the pictures and stories--sometimes they come off as seeming like 'a beautiful family' and 'an amazing mommy'.  I get compliments from folks who read along.  And I'm ever so grateful, you guys.  Very blessed by you.  But the truth is, my life is messy: 

I've always felt like I should be on the path to somewhere, but mostly I spin in circles, revisiting ideas and passions that never go anywhere.  I get lost.  I forget things like 'one foot in front of the other' and 'fall down seven times, stand up eight'.  I'm not as far in life as I could be.

I make a good deal of decisions based on fear, and then have to back-track, which is embarrassing.  I drop the ball a lot, too, which is also very embarrassing, and frustrating.  I've mastered the art of being witty and likeable when asking politely for a do-over. 

I love my life--3 kids, 10 years married to my very best friend--ya, I absolutely love it.  Still, in the face of so much blessing, I fall apart a lot.  I fall apart in front of my children, and I'm pretty sure I'm a hand-full of a spouse.  I've become quite proficient in apologies and asking forgiveness without delay. 

But I think all of this is sort of the point of Charlie's Up To, you know?  I mean, if there is a message here, a theme that comes up again and again on this little internet space,  it's that life can be hard or different or not-what-you-thought-you-were-capable-of, and still be good.  I'm just a woman with regular challenges, normal intelligence, average resources, and I'm not graceful at all, yet here I am, falling down over the speed bumps, and still finding joy.

Being a mother bends you.  If ever you were a tree who grew straight and decisively skyward, now you are a willow.  Now you bend, you sway.  You loose stature, but give more shade.  My point is, I didn't get here on a painless path, and I don't handle life's trials with a lot of grace or decorum.  And though my words and stories are reflections of the admiration I have of my children and the joy they bring to me, behind the words there is a tangled, messy life that isn't always a lot to look at, but I would never change.

Just so you know.

 

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